Not Now, Not Ever
by starrynightsx
Summary: My first Bleach fic! Unohana finally gives Hitsugaya the report on Hinamori's condition. HitsuHina oneshot. T just to be safe.


"So then…you're saying that…"

"I'm sorry to say this, but she can no longer be a shinigami. While she will continue living, she has lost all her powers."

The words filled the room, allowing them to sink in the captain's mind. He stood there, stunned, feeling his world breaking apart. It couldn't be true, what Unohana had just said…could it? Was the wound that severe?

He heard the soft hiccups coming from inside the room, knew that she was awake and listening to every word. Knew that she was trying hard to steady her breathing and quiet her cries so that they would think that she was asleep. He felt the color drain from his face and he felt the chilling ice sensation that Hyorinmaru's victims must feel. Yet what could he do? Invent a time machine and change the past? Made it so that he was there with her, make it so that he was the one who took that hit? It didn't matter if he was a child protégé or not; it was impossible to rewind time.

"…I'm sorry," was all Unohana could manage before turning her head away. She didn't want to see the captain's face like that, so helpless and crushed. She had tried, really she had, but…it couldn't have been helped. By the time the treatment started, the damage had been done. Any second longer and the wound would have killed her, rather than just taking away her powers. Unohana steadied her trembling hands, lifting them to her heart. She didn't dare look up at him; she didn't know how long she could up her usual gentle façade if she did.

"…I see. I'm sure you did your best, Unohana," were the shaky words. Unohana couldn't help it; tears slipped down her cheeks. She felt the lump in her throat grow bigger as her breathing became irregular with the crying.

"I-I…If you'll excuse me, I'll leave you two and…" Her whole body was trembling now. She felt his stare and sensed the unsaid words that told her that this hadn't been her fault. The tears came harder; she turned away and hurried to her office, where she could hide and regain her composure. It wrenched her heart to have to tell him the news and to know that she couldn't have helped any other way. The knives of guilt stabbed at her, jeered at her helplessness, mocked her tears. As she stumbled into the darkness of her room, her hand flew to her mouth to stifle the cries she was unable to hold any longer.

He watched Unohana go with a heavy heart; he wanted an excuse, any excuse, to not have to go in and face her. But he had to sooner or later. The only comfort, even though it wasn't really a comfort, was that she had overheard the entire conversation, so he wouldn't have to break it to her himself. With every strand of strength he had left, he willed himself to take a breath and knock on the door.

His answer was a little sob that broke his heart. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he opened the door and slipped inside. "Hinamori?" he whispered.

The room was dark, even in the middle of the day, because of the drawn blinds. The only light was a small candle in the corner, casting eerie, yet fitting, shadows on everything. What he could see was not much; only a small lump huddled on the bed where the sobs were coming from.

"Hinamori…" he called weakly, losing his resolve with every step. He finally made it across the room to her in what seemed to be an eternity. He could only see semi-clearly still but it was enough light for him to find the trembling girl hidden underneath her blanket. "Hinamori…please…" he called again. No answer.

A blanket of silence settled over them, only disrupted by the growing sobs. He didn't know how long he stood, letting her cry, feeling helpless, powerless. He felt the time passing by, not caring about Hinamori like he did. He felt the other shinigamis outside going on with their busy schedule, not bothering to check in with the girl who had been locked up in this room for almost three months. He heard the laughter and jokes of others who passed by and knew Hinamori wanted more than anything to be able to join them once again, to forget about all this, but unable to. No, she couldn't be herself again, not now, not ever. And he crumbled, not because of this heart-wrenching grief he felt now, but all the tears Hinamori had kept bottled up inside for so long now, finally letting them go.

"Does anyone know yet?" asked the ball.

"No," he answered dryly, trying to keep it at a normal tone, "No one but you, me and Unohana."

"When will they all find out?"

"…" He couldn't bring himself to say it, but he forced it out. "Tomorrow."

"…And when will I leave?" The question lingered in the air for a long time. He looked at his feet, his hands, the flickering candle, the drawn blinds, anywhere but at her.

"…The day after. In the morning." This time, the silence was unbearable. He braced himself for the tears. After a minute, he stared at the lump curiously.

"…So early? They don't waste any time, do they?" The laugh that followed was dry and empty. He clenched his fists; she was trying so hard to pull back the happy sunshine girl that everyone knew and loved, trying to convince everyone and, more importantly, herself that this was alright, that this was what had to be.

Wordlessly, he sat on the edge of her bed and gently pulled the blanket halfway off, enough to see her face. Her eyes were puffy and red, showing that she had done more crying than he had heard. A forced and obviously fake smile was plastered on her slender face, a smile that hurt him to see, because it reminded him that if only he had been there earlier, things might have been different. Her face was thinner and her cheeks had sunken in; the pale, almost translucent, skin resembled a ghost's, the only color coming from the glow of dying candle.

She drew the covers tighter around her bony shoulders, as if that single gesture could protect her from the truth. Her harsh smile never faded, even though her tired eyes gave away her months of fear and suffering.

"So tell me everyone. How are they doing? Have you had any exciting missions? Or funny stories? I want to hear them all," Hinamori seemed to relax for a second, as if she were remembering the other stories that he had told her before.

He couldn't bear it; she was just trying so _damn_ _hard._ It killed him from the inside out to see her like this and to know that, for once in their lives and the time they spent together, he couldn't protect her anymore. Who was he kidding? If anything, he had _never_ protected her before. Not when she needed it. He rescued her like a fireman would rescue a cat stuck in a tree; it was something that could be done by anyone else, not just him. But when she needed him the most, where was he? Going on a wild goose chase. Why? Because he was a friggin idiot.

"Are you listening?" He turned his attention back to her.

"Yeah. Sorry, I was caught up in thoughts," he apologized, trying to put on the same happy façade that she had.

She giggled, with a little bit of the Hinamori he knew before. "Do I need to repeat it for you again? Just like when we were little, I would always repeat words to you over and over again because you didn't know how to say it," she laughed again, the good and honest laugh that he had missed like crazy in the court of the Gotei 13.

He put on a scowl, even though he didn't mean it. He only did it because he knew that she was looking for it, for the little bit of normality she was so used to. "Shaddup, Hinamori. That was a long time ago." He noticed the light slowly returning to her brown eyes, the very same eyes that he would always lose himself in.

"True…" Hinamori trailed off, a trace of nostalgia in her voice. She stared at her knees, bony through the thin hospital robe that was her usual outfit nowadays.

"A nice contrast to your black shinigami robe, hm?" Hinamori asked softly. He looked at her in surprise. "My robe," she rubbed the fabric almost as if she would miss it. No, that was wrong. She _would_ miss it. Just like she would miss everything else in the court of the Gotei 13, the very same court that she had yearned with all her heart to join. Her heart jumped to her throat then; the pain was becoming unbearably real. Years ago, she had always wondered what quitting the Gotei 13 would be like. She never dreamed it would be so soon. Just like she never thought she would have to be apart from all the friends she made with vice captains, captains and even subordinates.

He stared at the spot on the bed where the sleeve of his black robe and the white of her robe overlapped. Just like the yin-yang. Femininity and masculinity. Day and night. Black hair and white hair. "Hinamori…"

"Eh? The candle's dying," Hinamori made a move to get up, but his strong hands pushed her back down. Her soft chestnut brown eyes stared up into his equally soft blue-green eyes. She felt his breath, slow and steady, warming her up, giving her life.

"Wh-what's wrong, Hitsugaya-kun?" Hinamori felt herself falling in those big eyes as his face came closer. Her breath became shallow and fast; her heart started to pound in her ears. The last light of the candle played dancing shadows over his face, drawing her into a dizzying spell that she couldn't seem to escape.

He smirked, something that threw her for a loop. In the softest, gentlest voice that she had ever heard him use, he whispered teasingly, "That's Shirou-chan to you."

Before she could respond, and even before she could gasp in surprise, his lips closed on hers. She blinked once and, on the second time, the lids shut, savoring the moment, the taste. Gently, with a hint of fear, she placed her hands on his neck, daring him to come closer. Hinamori felt his lips curl upwards into a smirk as he pressed even deeper into the kiss.

The candle flickered gently, casting one last glow over the two shinigamis as if to bid farewell to the couple. A soft breeze, almost like a sigh, whistled its happiness and, together with the candle, left Hitsugaya and Hinamori to say goodbye.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hinamori-kun! I'm so sorry! Are you going to be okay?" Kira rushed to meet his friend, his face full of the usual worry and concern. The girl smiled warmly.

"Kira-kun, thank you for your worry. But I'm fine, really I am," Hinamori assured.

The blonde sighed. "It's going to be so weird without you here, Hinamori-kun."

"Well, come and visit me then, Kira-kun. You can tell me all about life here," Hinamori invited.

"Oi! Hinamori!" The red haired shinigami ran up to them, followed closely by Rukia.

"Abarai-kun! Kuchiki-san! How are you?" Hinamori waved.

"Not too bad. I heard the news. You gonna be okay?" Renji asked, catching his breath. No doubt he had been sleeping in a tree again.

"Hinamori-san…I'm so sorry. I wish I could have…It's all my fault," Rukia held her hand to her heart, looking at the shinigami with wide, guilty eyes.

"Not at all, Kuchiki-san. It was my own fault for being so naïve and I guess naïveté doesn't fare well with Yamamoto-sama," Hinamori laughed. "Anyways, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Just promise me you'll all visit me, alright?" She held out her pinky, awaiting the final promise that would bond them even after today.

Renji, Kira and Rukia smiled sadly; one by one, they held out their pinkies and intertwined them with Hinamori's, making the vow not only to Hinamori, but to themselves that they would keep the memory of this long time member of the Gotei 13 alive in everyone's hearts.

"Hinamori-san!" The girl sighed; so this was what being a celebrity was like.

"Rangiku-san! It's good to see you again!" Hinamori greeted just as cheerfully as had the others.

Rangiku's lip quivered and she flung her arms around Hinamori. "Rangiku-san?" Hinamori asked in surprise.

"I'm going to miss you so much! If only I had been there sooner, maybe…" she trailed off, unable to continue. Kira looked away ashamedly; he had been the one Rangiku had wasted her time with instead of rescuing their companion.

Hinamori smiled gently and hugged Rangiku back. "Don't worry. It's my own fault. Even if you had been there with me, things probably wouldn't have been any different. You would've just been hurt too, and that's more difficult than knowing that I've lost my powers."

Rangiku shut her eyes; the worst part of it was that it was all probably true. She gave Hinamori another squeeze before letting her go.

"Just promise me I'll get to see you again, alright?" Rangiku held the brown eyes steady in her locked gaze. Hinamori smiled.

"I promise," she nodded and held out her pinky again, as she did with the other three. Rangiku smiled tearfully as she offered her own.

One by one, all the other shinigamis came up to the group to offer their deepest apologies and any possible last words.

And every time, Hinamori would smile that pleasant smile everyone always saw and she would say wholeheartedly "Thank you so much. I'll really miss you and I hope that you'll be able to achieve as much as I did while I was part of the Gotei 13." Occasionally, she would throw a few personal words in and a hug here or there, but there were no tears from her as people had expected. Instead, she would offer that same smile every time, the smile that everyone would remember her.

No, they would never forget this girl. Not now, not ever.

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The memories flooded back to him as his foot touched the creaky wooden porch. He could still see the faded spots where he and she would always sit and talk, watermelon slices in hand, during the summertime. The house was decrepit and old, the floor making odd sounds with every step. It was just like he remembered.

"Oi! Hinamori!" Hitsugaya called into the stretching darkness. No answer. "HINAMORI!" He bellowed. Her name echoed through the dark, returning to him with a ghastly emptiness.

Hitsugaya frowned; he had been certain Hinamori had said she was going to come back to where they grew up. It had only been two months since she left the court, so where was she now? "Hinamori!" he called again, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"Eh? Who's there?" Hitsugaya looked behind him, startled. She was…outside? He stepped back into the blinding sunlight and looked around again.

"Who called for me?" asked the familiar and missed voice. A moment later, Hinamori appeared around the corner from the back of the house, dressed in a knee-length peach yukata with rolled up sleeves. Her hair had been let out of its bun; instead, it hung in two low pigtails, like when she was in shinigami school.

"Oi, Hinamori! There you are!" Hitsugaya called out.

"Shirou-chan!" The ex-shinigami ran and tackled him to the ground in a hug. She looked up at him with the genuine happy smile he had missed.

Hitsugaya smiled back, looping his arms around her body. She responded with a quick peck on the lips and snuggling into him.

They didn't really know how long they sat like that, enjoying the fresh spring day, but then again, neither one really cared. Not as long as they were together.

"So what were you doing out back?" Hitsugaya asked, breaking the caressing silence.

Hinamori smiled. "Come on, I'll show you." She pulled him up and led him out back on a trail that had obviously been formed by people trotting back and forth in that area.

"Well? What do you think?" Hinamori asked, sweeping her arm out. "Not bad, right?"

Hitsugaya turned to Hinamori, amusement playing in his blue-green eyes. "Funny, I always remembered back here as a dirt pad that we'd always run around in," the captain remarked. "I certainly didn't remember _this _being here."

Over the period of two months, Hinamori had nurtured the dirt pad into a garden unlike one ever seen.

The left half of the yard was a flower garden, bright and cheery with a rainbow of colors, even though most weren't in bloom yet. The gentle spring breeze carried their dizzying scent, swirling around the couple and casting them into a hazy spell. The flower heads bowed over and over again, mimicking the waves of an ocean, luring them into the endless sea of fragrance.

The right half was an orchard, by the looks of it. Various saplings were planted in rows in the back of the pad. Towards the front were fruits that required planting in the ground. And in front of that was a vegetable garden, with their pictures on a stick in front of the row for identification. Like the flowers, most were still only growing.

"Well, you know I've always liked gardening. And besides," she added with a grin, "a girl needs to make money if she's going to live on her own!"

Hitsugaya grunted in agreement. "But you know-"

Hinamori gasped, cutting him off. She turned quickly to face him. "Shirou-chan!"

"What?" Hitsugaya answered, alarmed.

"Have you eaten?"

An awkward silence fell over the garden. Even the breeze quieted down and fled the scene.

"What?" Hitsugaya finally managed from his state of shock.

"Have you eaten?" Hinamori repeated quite clearly.

Unsure of where this was going, Hitsugaya shook his head. "Why?"

Hinamori offered a huge smile as an answer. She grabbed his hand and pulled him back out front.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I can't believe you made a fuss about this," Hitsugaya complained, sitting in his old spot on the porch. Hinamori was sitting next to him in her old spot, a tray in her lap and a knife in hand.

"What? You don't want to try this? I worked hard to grow it, Shirou-chan," Hinamori protested, purposefully guilting him. Hitsugaya, fully aware of it, merely sighed, shook his head and held out his hand to her. Hinamori laughed in triumph and handed him the first watermelon slice before cutting one for her.

As he stared at the red fruit whose juices were trickling slowly down his hand, the memories suddenly attacked him. Of before she left for the shinigami school, of when she came back to visit him on her breaks. They all played like an old silent film in his head, going over and over the good times that they had spent together. Times that he had treasured, despite what he had told Hinamori, times that were his and hers forever.

"Shirou-chan?" Hitsugaya blinked and looked up at Hinamori. "Is something wrong? You haven't taken a bite yet," she said with worry.

The captain was speechless. From his angle, the sun hit her from behind, silhouetting her figure. Her body was lean and slightly tanner from all the outdoor work she had obviously been putting into her garden. Her brown eyes sparkled more than he had ever seen them in the Gotei 13. He didn't really know if it was her newfound happiness or if it was just the sun playing tricks on him, but he didn't really care.

"Shirou-chan?" Hinamori ventured again? She looked at him curiously, nervous of the way that he was staring at her.

"Why should I have this measly slice of watermelon?" Hitsugaya asked suddenly, drawing his words slowly. Hinamori's eyes widened, surprised that he would insult his most favorite fruit, if not food, in his life.

"Wha-?" Hinamori started, but Hitsugaya's small little smirk cut her off.

"I said, why should I only settle for the watermelon that'll last me maybe ten, twenty bites, when I can have you for an eternity?"

"Shirou-cha-!" Hitsugaya's lips quickly cut Hinamori's exclamation off. His hands quickly maneuvered to remove the ties, letting her black hair fall around her.

Hinamori broke apart for a bit and stared into the pools of blue-green that mirrored her own brown ones. She giggled quietly as he pushed her down and stole her lips again.

Elsewhere, the children ran about and played, enjoying the sunny day. In the Gotei 13, busy shinigamis ran around on missions and errands or took the day off to relax and talk to their friends.

But on the rickety wooden porch of memories, the time stood still for the slightest second just to stretch out the precious moment for the couple. Yes, time was on their side this time, ensuring that they would have the most of the day together.

During the small sliver of eternity, they held each other close, neither willing to let go. Not now, not ever.


End file.
